The Voldemort Diaries
by daydreamer777
Summary: Voldemort had no nose, no heart, and no life. But even dark lords need some love. In these thrilling chapters, our favourite villain will ride the rollercoaster of romance. Disclaimer: I don't own anything!
1. Rosalie

The Voldemort Diaries

Voldemort had no nose, no heart, and no life. Where could he find one? He logged onto

Name: Tom 'Voldemort' Riddle Age: 71 and lookin good! Location: Evil Lair

About me: I'm a strait-laced, rebellious kinda guy who likes a little action. I'm kinda obsessed with my nemesis, Harry Potter, a little twerp who always tries to kill me. No idea why. If I got to take you out, we'd go on a romantic killing rampage. See ya there, ladies!

And there were no responses so he Avada Kedavara'd his cat. But one day, he got an e-mail!

To:

From:

Hey tom, I read ur profile, and was hoping we could hook up!

Rosalie xoxoxoxo

p.s. ur hot!

Voldemort was happy when he flew over to her house on his broomstick.

"Hey babe! Check out my zero-wheeler!" he boasted.

"Whoah!" she exclaimed. "So where are we going?"

"I'm getting take out from Starbucks – but first we have to go to Hogwarts – I have to look after something first."

And so they flew to Hogwarts to kill Harry Potter. The duo disguised – Rosalie as a Ravenclaw student and Voldy as a tree.

"Remember…. Stay in character!" Voldemort hissed.

Rosalie strolled up to the Gryffindor common room, made the fat lady cry, and got in. She immediately screamed that she needed help, and Harry ran over to her. Quickly, Voldemort jumped out and stuplified Harry and transported him somewhere. Harry didn't know it was Voldemort, though.

"What the hell was that? F**k, my scar hurts!"

"Hello, HP," said Voldemort, now in his original, ugly, form.

"Arrgghh!" screamed Harry.

Voldemort took the socrerer's stone from Harry's Pocket and made it into a necklace for Rosalie, in hope he would get a little present in return, if you know what I mean…

"Let me go!" shouted Harry, usefully.

"Yeah right!" gigged Voldemort.

"Like we would ever, like, let you go!" added Rosalie.

They left him in a corner while they ate dinner.

"Well, well, well, we meet again." Said Voldemort, slyly, slurping the remains of his cappuccino.

"By the way, Rosi my love, here's a necklace specially for you," he said, handing her the necklace.

She put it on and suddenly stopped ageing.

"Ooh! I love it! Kay Jewellers?"

"Only the best for my little pumpkin!"

"Eww!" shrieked Harry, screwing up his face. "You're the one who needs that necklace! You're like 100 and frankly look like it! In fact, how are you still alive? And how can you get such a hot date?"

"Oh you did _not_ just go there!" Voldemort lifted his wand.

"AVARDA KEBABRA!" In his fit of rage he said the wrong spell!

A batch of Shesh Kebabs appeared.

"Ewe ewe w! Carbs!" exclaimed Rosalie.

"What? You don't like Shesh Kebabs? We're _so_over!" screamed Voldemort.

Rosalie tore of the necklace and stormed out the mansion. Voldemort looked at Harry. The 7th Horcrux, his last chance to be emperor of the wizarding world.

"Shesh Kebab?" he offered.

"Yeah!" shouted Harry.


	2. Advice from PsychyFairy

**Hello Muggles! Thank you for making it to story 2! If you think what Ron and Harry do in the end is a terrible ending, come on, in the books, where are the things normal teenage boys do? As a matter of fact, I don't own Harry Potter.**

Voldemort sat in his office one rainy afternoon, playing wordtwist on facebook.

"WHAT HOW IS 'GABBLE' A WORD?" He screamed (typed in capitals) at Lucious Malfoy, his opponent, through chat.

"It's an alternative spelling to giggle." Lucious explained.

"IN WHAT COUNTRY?" Voldemort demanded. "TAKE IT BACK!"

Lucious sighed. Voldemort had serious anger problems. Maybe he should get him a therapist...

Voldemort stood in the donut shop the next week. Strange, the shop's waiting room looked more like a doctor's office.

"Shoe, Boxy, I'm ready for you." Said a dark-haired doctor.

Lucious chose such terrible false names.

"I'm not coming. I have many things, and none of which is anger problems."

"Excuse me sir, do you have the ti-" began a man with a moustache,

"AVARDA KEDAVRA!"

"Mr. Shoe, come with me." Said the doctor. He lead him into a clean office. He then got out his wand and waved it about. A fairy appeared.

"Mr Shoe, this is your PsychyFairy. She'll be like your guidance counselor that fits in you're pocket. And best of all, she's immune to the unforgivable curses!"

Voldemort's jaw dropped. "You…you ..mean I can't avarda kedavra?" how would he survive?

In the two weeks he'd known PsychyFairy, he'd learned lots about her. She had a fear of birds, also liked donuts and cooked really nice salmon. Most of all, she gave great advice.

"What's your cat's name?" she asked one day.

"Bernard." Bernard was the sixth cat he'd had in the past year.

"I used to have a raccoon once."

"GOD I HATE RACCOONS!" Voldemort snapped, avarda kedardvaing the chandelier.

"Tom, tom, we've talked about not speaking caps all the time!" said PsychyFairy.

"I CAN SPEAK IN ALL CAPS IF I WANT! EVERYONE KNOWS I HAVE ABANONDMENT ISSUES!"

PsychyFairy sighed. Maybe she get him out.

They went to a Hogsmeade Pub that night.

"Okay, walk in causally."

Voldemort swayed from side to side as he strolled over to the bar. A brunette witch with a glittery green hat was sitting there eating an onion and pickle sandwich.

"Compliment her."

"That hat is sooo darling!" he exclaimed, slightly scaring her.

"Thanks – whoah, holy crap! What's wrong with your nose? Please go see a doctor!"

She ran away.

"Never mind," PsychyFairy encouraged. "Go to those ladies over there!"

She motioned to two old ladies knocking back rum + pumkin juices.

"Hey girls – what are two lovely ladies doing here all alone?" Voldemort asked.

The two old biddies looked stricken.

"Mind if I join you?" he inquestioned, pulling out a chair.

They still said nothing.

"It's been such a dull week. Why don't I pay you two a visit later tonight?"

Then they just burst out laughing. But, as Voldemort noticed, their faces started to change! Into two Hogwarts boys!

"Wow, Harry, our attempt to get alcohol sure went better than we planned!" shouted a red-headed boy.

"GRRRRR!" screamed Voldemort, but when he reached for PsychyFairy, she was gone. He then turned around to see a very odd sight – PsychyFairy hitting on the barman. Who could blame her – who can teach Voldemort to be the ladies man?


	3. Blind Date (part 1)

"Team. I call you all here today at the utmost urgency. Harry potter is at large. This is code orange."

His secretary, Figgius Snugglewump, looked confused.

"Um, sir?" he asked, sheepishly. "Don't you mean- code red?"

"Mwaahh! I am the dark lord! I can use any bloody color I want!"

After a moment of awkard silence, Snape, a very odd ally, spoke.

"My lord, we have received word about Potter's whereabouts. They areplanning to move him at seven o'clock on saturday, so hopefully they can all get home in time for x-factor."

The king of all evil just shook his head.

"No, we go at eight. I bet they're lying to confuse us."

"But sir!" protested Lucius Malfoy. "I wouldn't miss x- factor for the world!"

"Ahh." replied voldemort. "I thought of that, but really, I havent been able to watch that show since Little Mix won! They're rubbish!"

"Dont insult Little Mix in front of me!" shout some unknown death eater "At least that fat kid lost!"

"Avada kedavra!" yelled voldemort, killing the death eater and Figgius's planner.

"Screw x-factor! Lets go at eight just because I say so!"

"Why?" inquestioned Wormtail. "Because you say so? Thats a terrible reason! I say we take a registered democratic vote! Who's with me?"

Mostly everyone was amazed Wormtail could say something so clever.

"Good idea!"

"Yeah!"

"Damn, he's as smart as Rufus Wrainright these days..."

"Shut up!" said Voldemort.

"He's got a point, though." said another death eater "It would all improve your self esteem."

Another moment of brief silence followed.

"I'm just saying. You should get out more."

"He's right' though!" shouted Lucius! "I'm tired of paying for you loneliness! Were taking you on that show Blind Date!"

"Nonsense!" snapped voldemort. "I am a together, healthy man who can cope without a woman. I will go on blind date the day Hermionie and Ron get together!"

xxx

Wormtail sped to the studio.

"I told you Wimpys would take too long!" screamed Lucious.

"I was hungry!" rebuttled snape, finishing a basket of chips, and chucking the newspaper out the car window.

"How was I to know about the queue?"

Finally, they arrived at the studio. Voldemort was just awakening from his tranquilizer drug, and bit confused. However, Snape, Lucious and Wormtail dragged him to the make up room.

"Damn!" excliamed Meg, the make up girl. "We've had some nasty contestants here, but I've truly never seen anything this bad! You should have come earlier! I don't know what to do anymore! First Shelly gets the promotion, and then Ricardo dumps me?"

Meg grabbed a brown paper bag from her assistant and began puffuing into it itenensely.

"Oh, bottoms! I'll just stuck a false nose on ya."

Xxx

Voldie sat nervouly backstage as the announcer yelped.

"Ladies and Gentelmen, please welcome your host, Cilla Black!"

A lightbulb went off in voldemort's head.

"Could she be related to the black clan?!

"Welcome to blind date eberybody! Lets welcome our guests!"

He strode out, alongside numbers 1 and 2. Number 1 was a pale, emo-looking guy sparkling. Number 2, was a chubby, wimpy- looking boy who stank of bread.

Cilla did her usual thing of insulting her past love to get laughs from the audience, and then turned to the contestants.

"So, number 1, what's ya name, where ya from?"

"I'm Edward and I'm a vampire from Forks."

"Lovely!" announced Cilla, sarcastically. "So, is there any lady youd particulary want to take a bite out of?"

Edward pondered for a moment.

"Lillith, I guess."

The audience groaned. Not another one...

"And what do you for a living?"

"Stand around looking depressed mainly. I've been thinking of entering the underwear modeling business, as everyone says I have the 2nd best abs in town. I mean, you don't live forever right!"

"What a noble profession! So, number 2, who are you?"

"Well, my name is Peeta and I'm from District 12."

"Is that abroad?" Cillia lauged. "So, whos your dream lady, Patrick?"

"Um, it's Peeta, actually. Well, there is this girl back home..."

Peeta went on for another fifteen minutes describing this girl named Katniss Everdeen's hair, before Cillia finally pulled the plug.

"Alright, love, I think we all get the picture."

"And what do you do, Preston?"

"I'm the boy with the bread. Word."

"Peeta attempted to pump his fist to his chest and present the peace sign, but instead punched his chest a tad too hard and continued to rock back and forth in pain.

pre

"Moving on! Number three!"

Voldemort tried to inch away, but the producers pushed him back to the studio.

Cillia yelled her trademark:

"What's ya name where ya from?"

"My name is Tom Marvolo Voldemort Riddle, and I am from England."

Somehow this resulted in a roar from the crowd.

"And what do you do?"

"I kill people."

The crowd erupted in cheers again.

"Okay! Is there any woman you... haven't killed?"

Bellatrix Lestrange glared at her tv, miles away.

"C'mon, c'mon, c'mon!"

"Not really."

Bellatrix yelled a few swear words and avarda kedarvea the tv.

"Now ladies and Gentelmen, let's meet our lady!Put your hands together for Nancy, from Liverpool!"

A tall girl in a red, swooned, figure-hugging dress.

"What do you do for a living, love?"

"I'm currently studying for a phd in calculous at oxford. That's basically it."

"Ok, then, ask away, Nancy, dear!"

"Ok!" Nancy adjusts her seating position under her dress and reads off her pink

cards.

"The most important question in my book is: Team Edward or Team Jacob?"

Edward paused and then replied

"That's a very hard quetion, Nancy.."

Suddenly a man in a black suit came and whispered something in his ear. He seemed confused periodically, before the man slapped him and shouted.

"IT'S YOU, DAMMIT!"

'And they call me angry'... thought Voldemort.

"Oh, Team Edward."

Peeta seemed to remeber that the point wasn't really to give proper answers, but to make up really bad pick-up lines.

"I'd be Team Jacob, because 'Jacob' sounds a bit like 'Jake-up' which also sound like 'Make-out', which is what we'll do."

Voldemort wasn't really paying attention when his turn came.

"Um, Team Dean Thomas."

What?! He wasn't Dean Thomas, he was Voldemort!

Yet, somehow, the audience erupted in laughter yet again.

Nancy seemed evermor amused, and went on to the next question.

"My favorite animal is a cow. If you had your own cow, what would you do with it?"

Edward looked dumbfounded.

"Eat it - duh!"

Nancy let out a shriek.

"Number 2!"

Peeta also struggled with this question.

"I'll be honest, I love cows too. But a million cows wouldn't be as good as a single day with you!"

"AAAAAAAHHHHH!" sighed the audience. One woman in the front row got out a hankerchief and began to dab her eyes.

For heaven's sake, they didn't even know what the other one looked like yet!

"And you, number 3?"

"What's a cow again?"

When somebody booed, he changed his answer.

"Um, um, um, I'd cherish it forever and give it the love it craves!"

The woman in the front row was now completey and utterly sobbing.

"One last question.. " said Nancy, swirling her tongue around as she spoke.

"What would you rather do - eat a ham baguette, or go out with me?"

"Ham baguette! There are some things worth fighting for, honey!"

Peeta, on the other hand, was torn; love or bread? Love or bread? Love or bread?

"I'm sorry, Nancy," he answered. "I can't back down on my love for bread, not for you, not for he world."

Voldemort was pretty sure his answer couldn't be worse than those.

"I'd choose.." he left a dramtic pause. "You!"

"Well Nancy, it's make your mind up time!" Cillia had even been affected by the high emotions, and was still sucking up tears.

"I'm going to have to go with, well, with, well, oh, with, oh, Cilla, I'm just not sure!"

Voldie readied his wand for emergency avarda kedavra.

"Number 3!"

He could not believe it he had a date! (for now)

"Ew! Where some foundation! Yuck, you smell of bread!"

Then she saw Voldemort.

"So glad to meet you my love - WHAT THE?! What the hell happened to your nose?!"

She stared at him, distraught, and Cilla read the card implying their destiny.

"Two weeks in a luxury resort in Southern Italy!"

"Yes!" thought Voldemort.

"Noo!" thought Nancy.

**TOO BE CONTINUED… **


	4. Blind Date (part 2)

Okay, qick author's note. Apologies to anyone who lives in or has been to Naples, Italy and gets offended by what our old pal Voldie says. Don't get me wrong, I love it a lot (except not Naples, Florida, that place is a rip-off!), and yes, I know, there aren't any sharks in Salerno.

In all honesty, it wasn't a great plane trip. They missed the first flight , since The Dark Lord forgot his 'lucky' socks. They missed the second one because Bellatrix hid his lucky socks, and the third one because in rage in what this snuggly item of clothing had caused, Nancy burnt the lucky socks.

"I hope you're happy!" screamed Voldemort, racing through check-in.

"Happy?! You've ruined my holiday!" Nancy screamed back.

The bystanders in queues by the thousands didn't re-act, after all, they seemed just any ordinary aruging couple (Well, execpt or the fact he didn't have a nose).

Whatever they were, there was quite a pickle at security.

"Sir, what is this?" asked the guard, curiosly inpsecting Voldemort's wand.

"God! What does it look like? It's a wand! My, my, muggles are positively stupid!"

"Sir," replied the guard, " Are you on any form of medication?"

"Yeah!" shouted Voldemort "Wizard Brains!" he was now being restrained by several other guards.

"Voldemort, darling - ENOUGH!"

xxx

After a brief police intreograttion, the lovebirds raced to board.

"May I see your boarding passes, sir-"

"NOO!" he rushed on anyway.

After bothering the staff for a glass of 'good' lemonade. Then he spilt it on his tunic. Oh come on, he does _to _wear a tunic! I mean, they're not pants! Anyway, I get airsick, so I prefer not to think about planes.. so let's skip to when they get a taxi to the resort.

"Dove, Signore?" asked the taxi driver.

"Yes, they are very nice birds, aren't they?"

Nancy guess all those anti-moition-sickness pills she'd been force-feeding him had done their job all to well.

"No, silly!" she retorted, playfully slapping him.

"Per a "Three Leaves Resort', Signore. C'e qualche possibilita che ci fermero per churros?"

So, dear reader, we know Nancy speaks perfect Itailian. Voldemort, on the other hand, well, that's going to be a good source of comedy!

He thanked the taxi driver:

"Andote a morire in un boco!"

He ordered his salad at dinner that night:

"Volgio un verme incinta!"

He told off the dad of the kid that threw his towels into the pool when he went swimming:

"Tuo figlio e cosi sexy!"

Yes, you will find out what those mean later!

xxx

Back on the show, they nce again met the adoring crowds as they stepped out to watch their interviews they'd filmed the day before. The audience liked to see their facial expressions as they broke one-another's heart.

"Welcome! Welcome!" Cilla told a past lover's embarressing story, and moved on.

"We all remember Voldemort and Nancy! We sent them to th luxorious 'Three Leaves Hotel', in Salerno, Italy! Now, let us ask them how it went!"

"First of all," Nancy began, "I was very shocked to find a grown man still needs lucky socks."

"I was quite annoyed she didn't respect my quirks."

"There was a lot of drama at the airport I didn't think was all that nessecary."

"Those airport need toget better service!"

"Once we got to Italy, his language was, well, disgraceful. He told the cab driver to go die in a hole, got banned from the pool when he called this random man's son 'sexy' and when we went to Italy's finest and most classy restaurants, what did he order - a pregnant worm!"

"I guess I need to brush up on my French skills."

"We went to the beach one day and, well, it was a bloody disaster!"

"I was attacked by a shark! I don't even know how the hell a shark ended up in Salerno, but it did!"

"He tried to- I don't really know quite what he was doing. It looked like some kind of tribal dance."

"I was trying to kick him in the groin. Looking back, it may have looked a bit stupid, since I didn't know were a shark's groin is."

"We used magic to grow back the three toes he lost."

"And now I have a shiny new pedicure!" Voldemort then showed the silver three toes on his right foot to the camera.

"On the last day, we deceided to see some sights in Rome."

"Oh, Rome was the best! I enchanted two tour guides to fight ech other to death in the Colluseum!"

"Yeah,, about those poor tour guides. Never mind, I actually found it quite fun."

"I think I may be banned from Rome, too! That's 57 cities I'm banned from! Sponsor me to get to a hundred!"

"Our flight as delayed, badly, so we got anther plane from Naples. It was quite concerning how my date kept the city of Naples 'nipples'.

"Nipples, Naples, what's the difference!"

"No, I don't think I'll be seeing him again."

"To be honest, I don't think she was my type."

xxx

The pair looked awestruck.

"I'm so sorry, dears! I feel awful!" Cilla exclaims, before anyone else can say a word.

"Hey!" shouted Voldie, "It wasn't a complete disaster, I got a free holiday!"

"And!" Cilla held her hand to her ear excitedly, "That was our best rated episode ever!"


	5. Potter Fever

**Again, quick author's note: I don't think this is as good as the other ones, but I just felt the need to update before I went on vacation for three weeks. I'll make it up next time! Oh no, I just set myself up badly!**

It had been a long, hard day of 'Harry-hunting', which had turned into the death-eater's new hobby.

"Can we go home, now? whined Wormtail, effortlessly trailing behind Voldemort, Lucius and Bellatrix.

"No! It's vital we find Harry before he finds the Horcuxes, and like, kills me!"

"But my lord!" Wormtail continued to complain. "We're only looking round Primark!"

"You never know!" explained Voldie 'He could be hiding behind that rail of cardigans!"

He snuck up on a rail of lime-green cardigans, and suddenly knocked it over.

"Found you, sucka- oh." As expected, Harry was not there, but the cardigans were quite nice.

"Half-price? Not bad!" he put the cardigan in the shopping trolley, which was already full of other half-price things he liked.

"I think you have an obsesssion with Potter!" yelled Lucius, who hadn't slept in about two months.

"It's Potter-Fever, like Bieber-Fever!" said Bellatrix, in awe that she could come up with something so clever.

"Bellatrix, that doesn't even ryhme!" moaned Lucius.

"Oh, well! Can you come up with something better?!'

'Hey, I came up with Harry-Hunting!"

"Oh, for goodness sake, please shut your faces! I'm trying to concertrate!" screamed Voldemort, trying to use magic to shoplift a pair of tap shoes.

"And anyway," he muttered, "Are you comparing me to those teenagers who worship that wailing elf?"

"Well, we all agree, you are obsessed. Right readers?" said Lucius

"DON'T BRING THE READERS INTO THIS! They always take his side!" complained Voldemort.

"But, to be honest, you're not a very likeable character!" they all agreed.

"I know!" exclaimed Voldemort, focusing on the tap shoes. "I'll become a champion tap-dancer!"

"Okay, maybe just stay as you are for now." replied Lucius.

"Hey guys?" Bellatrix called them over, whilst eyeing a bottle suspicously. "What do you think this is?"

"It's called conditioner, Bellatrix!"


End file.
